If you have said, “I hate my mom,” you are not alone. So many girls like you hate their mom. I was one of them. I have also been on the other side. When my daughter was a tween, she hated me. I still have the crumbled up paper to prove it. It said, “Mom, I hate you.” Yes, it was mostly my fault. Thankfully, I was able to course-correct before it got too bad, but your mom may have not yet realized what she is doing wrong. And it may be a while before she does–so I want to take the time to encourage you.
The Reasons Why You May Hate Your Mom
There are probably many, but here are some of the reasons I hated my mom. From my point of view:
She played favorites.
She embarrassed me in mixed company.
She made comments about my looks.
She criticized everything I did.
She minimized my pain.
She didn’t protect me when I was sexually abused.
She never praised me for the things I did well.
She always assumed the worst of me.
She never went to see me play in team sports.
She was never involved in my goals and dreams.
She never truly listened to what I had to say.
Here are the reasons my daughter hated me– from her point of view.
I favored her little sister.
I constantly criticized her for everything she did wrong.
I always assumed the worst of her.
I minimized her pain.
I was hypocritical.
Do any of these sound familiar? Are these reasons why you hate your mom? Then, I encourage you to read on. If your reasons include forms of punishment that involve hitting you, starving you, sexual abuse, or anything of that nature, I want to implore you to seek help. Or send me a message and I will try to connect you to the right people who can help you.
Relevant Article: Why Does My Daughter Hate Me?
Why You Hate Your Mom
Moms are born with a deep-rooted instinct to protect their children. I believe that the bond between a mother and her child is God-given. When that bond is corrupted, it wounds the soul of a child. It does create deep, long-lasting wounds that are difficult to overcome on our own. Rejection (in all its forms), from either parent, is at the root of personal difficulties that linger into adulthood. But there is hope.
How to Make Your Mom Change
Honestly, I don’t think we can. There was nothing that my daughter did or said that convinced me that I was wrong. I was confident in my parenting style. When I think about my own mother, there was nothing I said that convinced her to change. I even tried quoting scripture to her, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4 ESV).” It did nothing. She continued to provoke me.
Related Article: How to Restore a Broken Mother-Daughter Relationship
So how did I change and how did my mom change? It was God in both cases. In my case, I felt the Lord convicting me during a church service during a moment of struggle with my tween.
In my mom’s case, her transformation came when she gave her life and heart to Christ when I was already out of the house and in college (and it would take a decade for me to work through the pain of the wounds that had formed). But I have a wonderful relationship with my mom now and an awesome relationship with my own daughter who is now a teen.
The One Thing You Can Do To Help Your Mom Change
Okay, so we can’t change our parents, only God can. But there is one thing we can do and that is pray.
The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.James 5:16b (ESV)
It may sound hokey. It may not sound like the answer you wanted to hear, but it works. I know in both my cases, it is the only thing that I did do consistently. Yes, my mom’s transformation took several years and full healing even more—but being on the other side, it was well worth the wait. God does what He does in His timing.
How to Heal Your Pain
While you wait for God to work on your mom, how can you help mend your own wounds? You need to work on you first. Even if the failed relationship is only 2% your fault, work on that 2%. You can read here about how God made me ask my parents for forgiveness for my errors when they were the ones who had wounded me! He made me work on me first before there was full restoration.
Focus on God
Cling to God. People are disappointing. Even moms and dads. Only God is the perfect parent. Look at this verse.
15 “Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.Isaiah 49:15
God recognizes that even mothers can forsake their instincts to protect and love their child, but He reassures us that He never forgets. He knows everything about us, even the number of hairs on our head (Matthew 10:30). He sees us. Knows us. Understands us.
My saving grace out of depression, self-cutting, the awful relationship with my mom was finding Jesus. He saved my life and with time, healed the layers upon layers of wounds. If you are not familiar with Jesus, please read, Who is Jesus? A Broken Woman’s Response.
Forgive, Forgive, Forgive
I have to admit that if you are still at home and the arrows keep coming, it is hard to forgive. But forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook. It is for you.
Failure to forgive leads to bitterness and bitterness will destroy you.
See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;Hebrews 12:15
It can even lead to health problems or worsen existing conditions. It is that toxic for your body and your soul.
To get to a place where you can forgive, it helps to take a step back and try to see the bigger picture. That helped me see my mom from a different light and soften my feelings, emotions, and reactions to her. Here are few things I would like for you to consider.
Know That Mothering is Hard
At 13, when I held a deep-seated loathing for my own mother, I could not possibly understand how difficult it was to be a mother. Fast-forward several decades later, as I held my first child, I instantly became terrified and felt utterly inadequate (and I am by nature a very self-confident person).
As a mom, you are constantly making mistakes because you are trying to find the balance between protecting your children, raising them to be godly, providing for their needs, and taking care of yourself in the process so you do not waste away. Know that it is super hard and yes, many times as frustrations build we take it out on our kids. It isn’t right, and we constantly beat ourselves up for it. We are soooooooo imperfect. We may try to deny it in front of our kids, but we know it.
Practical Tip: Pull out a notebook and write all the things your mom does for you, your family, and all of her responsibilities (work, chores, financial, etc). Use this to gain a deeper appreciation of the burdens your mother has to carry and how the stress can affect her reactions to you.
Know That Hurt People Hurt People
Why did my mother lack some of the nurturing instinct that I saw in my friends’ mothers? Because she never had an example of a good mother. What I lived through with my mom paled in comparison with what my own mother lived with hers. It was awful, sinful, and downright rotten. She was utterly rejected by her own mom, used only for her artistic talents, and was intentionally pushed into harmful, traumatic situations.
No child should ever suffer what my mom did, but she did. So by the time I came along, could I blame her for not having a reference a point to work from? My mother was such a wounded soul and most of her treatment of me came out of her own reactions to her wounds, pains, and traumas that lingered into adulthood.
Practical Tip: Sit down with your mom and ask her to tell you her story. What were her traumas? What were some of the things she went through? How did her mom treat her? This may open an opportunity for you to bring up your own frustrations.
Know That Fear Cloud’s a Mother’s Judgement
I remember one evening, I was 17 or so, when I came home really late at night. As soon as I walked through the door, my mother angrily accused me of smoking pot. I was a straight-A student, never had touched drugs nor had even touched a drop of alcohol. Her words infuriated me. Why?
It felt like everything I had ever done–the good grades, being responsible, having a job–meant nothing. I was judged at that moment and the judgment was grossly incorrect. I had bloodshot eyes because of lack of sleep. I worked 30-hour weeks in high school, took AP classes, played after school sports, and had spent the evening consoling my cousin at a coffee shop.
Related Article: Who is Jesus? A Broken Woman’s Response
Why would my mom say that? Fear. Now, as a mom myself, I know that her accusation was not that she didn’t trust me, but she didn’t trust other people. It came from knowing how easily a good person can be influenced to do something horribly wrong. She was right. Although I never did drugs, in college and later on I was influenced to do things I never thought I would.
Fear causes moms to make accusations we will later regret. Fear causes us to be too strict sometimes, to misread situations, to not listen to our kids. It is the fear of losing our kids to drugs, alcohol, diseases, car crashes, bad friends. We fear what others may say or think about you. You name it, we probably fear it. We have thought it, wondered about it. Is it right to be motivated by fear? Of course not! Moms have to work through it but know that if we fear it, it is only because we love you so much.
Practical Tip: During a peaceful time at home, ask your mom what she is trying to protect you from.
Seek Outside Help
If your situation has driven you to a place where you feel like there is no getting through to your mom, it is time to seek outside help. The type of help may vary depending on your circumstances. In many cases, a trusted adult friend of the family who can be objective and can serve as a mediator in discussions with your mom. They can help open channels of communication and help keep the discussion peaceful and fruitful.
If your situation is more difficult or worse, if you are engaging in risky behaviors (self-cutting), then you need someone with more experience. If you go to church, your church may have professional counselors available or the pastor or youth pastor may serve as mediators. If none of those options are available, click on this resource.
Keep your head up, lean into God, and humble yourself before Him. Continue to pray for your mom and for yourself that the root of bitterness does not take hold. God’s solution may be just around the corner.